someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Hippo gnu deer
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
