Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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