..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Send help, water and tortillas.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
