Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
