Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
