My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
