I wish I could teleport
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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