i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
