He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
