Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Those nachos came to me in a dream
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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