He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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