we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
