I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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