I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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