i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You made out with two different species that night
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Randomize
