All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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