I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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