I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize