As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Too much gin, very little bucket
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
