Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
