I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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