Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
only you would photoshop your dick
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Randomize
