i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
