; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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