I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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