MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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