I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Quick, to the slutcave!
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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