she's into porn, im staying here tonight
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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