Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
