When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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