Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
