Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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