are you still at the devil's house?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
