i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
