theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
