i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
