please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
