put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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