im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
