Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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