yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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