why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
