I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
