My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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