my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
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