Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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