I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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