i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
