Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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