By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
