so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
