There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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