I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
