How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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