haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
