I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
