My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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