I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
