This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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