I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
